Philosophical Musings of thez0rk

The angry white man thing is still something I don't understand and obviously will never get behind.

Truthfully, with the attitude of a lot of small town/rural whites...I see large parts of this country turning into a ghetto. The idea that education isn't important (ignorant and proud), you should work hard but you should never actually change or have any real level of ambition. Xenophobia and this are going to leave a lot of people unable to compete economically.

Honestly, I've developed a bit of an affection for south Florida. It's a true melting pot, what the American experiment was meant to be and it was built by immigrants. A lot of people come here from Latin American and Caribbean countries and make their own way. I find it quite impressive compared to your typical white dick head who'll spend 20 years of his life in a factory and never prepare for anything else and then be utterly amazed when his job disappears when he's 40 and then looks for somebody to blame (democrats, immigrants, fags).

Hard work is not a virtue in and of itself.

Sammy Hagar's Fountain of Youth

Recently some guys in my hobby group were talking about Carl Sagan, Hawking and Einstein with regard to the Theory of Relativity. As anyone familiar with the basics of relativity knows, one part of the theory states that as you travel at a faster and faster rate of speed your aging process slows down – while others not traveling at a high rate of speed continue to age normally. This means that if we send a ship to a nearby star system at a speed approaching the speed of light it could get there in a few years. But the families and friends of the crew who stayed on Earth would age at a considerably faster rate and perhaps be long dead by the time the crew returned home.

In related matters, I’d been thinking recently about how youthful Sammy Hagar looks at the venerable age of 62. Applying the theory of relativity to the Red Rocker himself, we can grasp how Hagar manages to still look so young. All we have to do is look to Hagar's tour de force, “I Can’t Drive 55,” in which he makes it plain that when he goes somewhere he goes there really fucking fast!

Weed Your Garden Or Die!

You like your video games fast, dangerous and on-the-go just like your real life! Well, get ready because Electronic Artistas has reported to Pfft, Science's tech division that they are following up the 1987 in-your-face titled game Skate or Die! with one sure to get the alternative, not-afraid-to-get-their-hands-dirty crowd's blood pumping.

Weed Your Garden Or Die! will feature 22 different levels of challenging gardens to weed with a tense timer clock to test your mettle. Eliminate the alien-invasive species from your garden so your flowers and shrubbery can earn you the respect of your neighborhood. Face off against over a dozen insect, arachnid and rodent Bosses. And be careful what you pull! Is that fledgling vine poison ivy or harmless virginia creeper? If you don't have any Tecnu® Rash Relief™ or pot roasts handy, you don't want to find out the hard way!

Weed Your Garden Or Die! will hit stores this summer!

Mike Knowles is a Piece of Shit

Some months ago thez0rk and Wester did a series of "____ is a piece of shit" following the Tyson's Punch Out!! boxers.

But friends, today we aren't here to tell you about Soda Popinski or Bald Bull. Rather this is a post about a non-pixelated, real life piece of shit. I don't wish to elaborate on all of the details of the story in question but will link to the full article.

Here's the skinny. A Pasadena high school polevaulter's track team was behind in points at the end of the competition against rival Monrovia High, requiring her to make a second place jump for her team to pull ahead for the win. In epic fashion she completed the jump and her team went ahead by a narrow margin. This is where the music is supposed to play and the crowd goes wild as the good guys win.

Well, that almost happened, except Monrovia's coach, Mike Knowles, pointed out to the ref conveniently after she completed her jump that the polevaulter was wearing a friendship bracelet (which apparently violates some nuance of the track and field no-jewelry rule in section 8a, subsection 13f, sub-subsection 3-11). Okay I made up that number but only to illustrate the absurdity of the technicality. The refs disqualified the girl's jump and the good guys did not win. The pathetic thing is Knowles is quoted playing like he is heart-broken that he had to be the guy to tell the official, which really comes across as third-rate disingenuous pandering.

I can only barely comprehend an official disqualifying someone over such an irrelevant technicality that has nothing to do with the spirit of the game. It's akin to an umpire calling a balk when a pitcher has a heart attack on the mound. But I digress. My main point is I wonder how this guy can pretend to teach sportsmanship to high school students after this?! At the least I'd like to believe that common decency can prevail over this sort of cynicism. But I'd be expecting too much from Coach Knowles.

Truly you are a piece of shit, and we're talking the pulpy, explosive kind that inspires even the flies to make Mr. Yuk faces.

To "Curly Bill"

Graduates of the University of Notre Dame ('97 and '99) have begun their campaign to petition the folks at Merriam-Webster’s to include “Curly Bill” as a transitive verb.

Curly Bill (tr. verb) – To take something presented as part of an offer (i.e. “that old deal”) and then fail to fulfill your end of the bargain and then bring harm to the issuer of the bargain (i.e. “drill that old devil in the ass.”)

Ex. Pfizer Curly Billed the federal government in a recent lobbying effort that gridlocked the recent session of Congress.


By Contributing Writer Richardo Flowers

An Uncanny Synchronicity

1987: Wes discovers Spiderman and buys a number of comics and compiled series. He is introduced to such villains as Venom, Rhino, Scorpion, Mysterio, Lizard, Green Goblin and Hobgoblin.

2002: Wes and Zach invent a complex language called Oobonigs, that serves as a code for talking in public so that no one else can tell what they are saying – it also has the virtue of being very fun to say.

2007: Wes carries on the tradition of Oobonigs as Zach somewhat sours to it, especially after certain emails that become painful to read in the language.

2009-2010: Wes finds another disciple of the language in Rich Fowler. The two pick up where Zach and Wes left off and the language continues to evolve in ways that inspire anthropologists in the future to study the language from an academic perspective.

May 4, 2010: Wes is sitting on Rich’s porch buzzed and begins saying the names of Spiderman villains in his head. As he goes through the list in his head his mind has to fend off the other-dimensional madness upon realizing the uncanniness that none of these villains have names that are fun to say in Oobonigs! Wes begins exploring what this strange synchronicity means in the greater context of his life, or perhaps in the context of the world’s well-being.

Kanye West and Mike Myers to Reenact New Orleans Bit

With criticism recently being hurled at President Obama’s slowness to act to protect the Gulf Coast from BP’s epic offshore explosion and the spread of the oil leak, Kanye West and Mike Myers have announced they will reenact their famous bit from the Hurricane Katrina relief concert. On September 2, 2005 West and Myers were together during NBC’s famous A Concert for Hurricane Relief when West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people.” Of course, President Bush (43) then went on in his term in office to be one of the most instrumental U.S. Presidents ever to address poverty and the spread of disease in Africa.

Kanye West is expected to deliver the line, “Barack Obama doesn’t care about Black people,” to which Mike Myers will look surprised and genuinely uncomfortable sharing the stage with West after the ugly allegation. Shortly after the mic will be cut and the camera will cut to Chris Tucker.