US Soccer Shocks Globe with 2-0 Win Over Spain, American Men Say "Eh"

USA men’s soccer beat #1 ranked Spain 2-0 in an upset that will cause the normally docile and low-gun-death countries in Europe to play out its occasionally full moon fever and start firebombing and turning over parked cars after a soccer debacle like this.

This will stir up the recurring discussion about why Americans don’t care about soccer, even when they field a top notch team. I suppose it’s sort of like how the Europeans like really dull subtitled movies instead of premium epics that Americans watch such as Armageddon and Star Wars: Episode I. You know what I'm talking about, movies that have some action and things start in space.

Watching guys repetitively chase a ball for 3 hours and only scoring twice, no thanks. And what’s up with not using your hands?! Of all the grand achievements of our species, I’d point to the greatest being the use of our hands and opposable thumbs. And here you have a game where you can’t use that! No thanks, I’ll take some baseball, football and basketball, the real sports!

Onyx Pissed the F**k Off After Being Slipped Some Fish-Flavored Gum

In keeping up our image as a timely publication, Pfft, Science! recently caught up with the hip hop group, Onyx. While interviewing the band members about what they are up to these days, our reporter offered the four members a stick of joke-gum before asking member Fredro Starr if he still stood by his 2003 comment about rapper 50 Cent:

"50 Cent basically started shit with me, started a scuffle, and a bodyguard broke us up. He's a punk. He's disrespectful to Jam Master Jay ever since he passed. Fuck him. I'm doin shit with some ex G-Unit members now. 50 ain’t shit." In an interview with The Source magazine, Starr said that 50 Cent had been disrespectful towards Onyx even though the group had given him his first breakthrough on a song called "React" from the 1998 album, Shut 'Em Down.

About that time the gum's foul fishy flavor took hold and the group's disdain manifested on their expressions. It was only a couple seconds later that our reporter was being assaulted for his prank. Before fading into unconsiousness, we'd like to believe he heard the lyrics of "Slam" while the visual of angry visages hung over him.

"Bike to Work" Week Marked by 46000% Increase in Injuries Among Most Environmentally Friendly

The slobs shall inherit the earth! This week many cities around the nation are promoting a "bike to work" week to raise awareness about reducing fossil fuel emissions. Most people, not keen on getting up an hour earlier than they already do, are going about business as usual. But the most environmentally responsible folks from communities are riding their bike to work.

Unfortunately, the morning rush has led to a dramatic increase in deaths among those role models for the community. Some statistics show bicycle related accidents this week at nearly 500 times the average rate! And not all drivers are apologetic about their road rudeness. In Roseland, Indiana, one driver being held for vehicular manslaughter said, "I was in a rush to not be late to work for the third day in a row this week. So you can imagine my frustration when every few blocks the same stupid $#@% kept passing traffic stopped at lights and then holding it up to a crawl when we caught up. I'm not sure how wrong it was that I didn't give him any room but the officer didn't see it that way."

So if you are one of the ones making a sacrifice and riding your bike to work, Pfft, Science! commends you. Unless you are in our lane and make us 5 minutes late to work.