Why NOT to Participate in Earth Hour

You may have seen that environmental groups are asking folks to turn off their lights for one hour this Saturday. We at Pfft, Science! can't argue with the sentiment that governments around the world need to address global warming. Turning off the lights for an hour won't make much of a difference literally, but we understand the symbolic measure. Our problem isn't that we should be looking out for the planet. It's more that we are concerned with who will benefit from a dark hour to prey upon humanity!

Turn out. Take action.
Be part of this historic event.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
8:30 p.m. local time

The World Wildlife Fund (WWF) is asking individuals, businesses, governments and organizations around the world to turn off their lights for one hour – Earth Hour – to make a global statement of concern about climate change and to demonstrate commitment to finding solutions. By turning off your lights for one hour, you will join hundreds of millions of people around the world in making a bold statement about climate change. You will send a message that Americans care about this issue and stand with the rest of the world in finding solutions to the escalating climate crisis.

Rideable Horses in Original Nintendo Legend of Zelda a Hoax

This is something I cut from an ebay auction for the original Legend of Zelda game. What the hell? There ain't no horses in Legend of Zelda.


Description
Embark on a quest to find the Triforce, slay Ganon and save Princess Zelda in the timeless adventure game from Shigeru Miyamoto that invented the genre. Originally released for the Famicom Disk System in Japan, the game arrived in the US on cartridge in 1987. In an ingenious marketing ploy, Nintendo released the game on a gold cartridge, so if you hadn't heard about the glory of Zelda, the shiny cart would definitely catch your attention. And since Zelda originated on the Disk System, the US version also included the ability to save your game status via battery back-up -- a first for the NES. The game's release heralded the end of the days when console games were all about linear quests and never-ending twitch gameplay with small level variations or increasing speed settings.

Special Features
Horseback riding is a new and key element in the game play. A great deal of combat takes place on horseback enabling Link to bump his adversaries off their war-horses. Shifting camera system that allows for views behind the back and from above. Camera can be locked during battles. All new characters.


The only sense I can make of this is that it is the work of the "Order of Chaos," aka "The Pizza Guys," an avant-garde, millennium group that despite their own self interests, puts out bogus or nonsensical information to confuse the public. I dread the dark future (that Leonard Cohen heralded) when there are enough of these societal destroyers at work that you won't be able to trust anything from public signs to ebay auctions to statistics you find online, for fear this group is creating mass misinformation.

UB40 Singer Pickpocketed of Girl's Phone Number

I know this may not be the most timely of issues, considering I think "Red Red Wine" is from 1983 or so, but I have to admit I've felt a certain sense of tragedy about this video for many years now. Midway through the video our down-on-his-luck hero wanders into his neighborhood bar to escape the misery of too many slobs living in the same house. It seems he has gotten a pretty brunette's phone number until a pair of cons pull one over on him. One of the rats asks UB40's lead singer for a light while the other partner reaches into his pocket and takes his hard won phone number. I'm not sure but I'm pretty certain that fate gave UB40's lead singer that number as his only means of escaping his blah, lonely life. Somebody should find these guys and give them a beat down!

Obama Administration Sends Watchmen's the Comedian After AIG

The Obama Administration has made it clear you don't fuck with his administration and the American taxpayers. Today President Obama said that in light of AIG executives taking $165 million in stimulus money for bonuses, that he is sending the lunatic soldier of fortune, the Comedian, to hunt down any of these bastards who don't return the money that was given to them in goodwill.

Senator Charles Grassley, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said on Monday that AIG executives should perhaps "resign or go commit suicide. Once the Comedian catches up with you, you'll wish you did."

Hollywood is also applauding President Obama's decision to use superhero vigilantes to take care of business. One producer we interviewed said, "If you thumb your nose at the government and you out-loophole them, how am I ever supposed to make another conspiracy movie and expect my audience to suspend their disbelief that the government will take you out if you mess with them? We can't have movie goers walking out of the theater saying, 'That could never happen. The government are a bunch of pussies.'"

Madoff Scandal Inspires New Confusing Phrase for Kids

Just as "Alzheimer's" and "prima donna" are words that aren't intuitive for children to conjure up in their heads - especially when Alzheimer's sounds like old timers and prima donna sounds like pre-Madonna - the Bernard Madoff scandal introduces a new problematic phrase for kids to misspeak. Mark my words, "Ponzi scheme" will be another confusing term that fools kids because, let's be honest, your average kid isn't going to be too familiar with the obscure history of early twentieth century, New York swindlers. A little history from Wikipedia:

Charles Ponzi (March 3, 1882 – January 18, 1949) was one of the greatest swindlers in American history. The term "Ponzi scheme" is a widely known description of any scam that pays early investors returns from the investments of later investors. He promised clients a 50% profit within 45 days, or 100% profit within 90 days, by buying discounted postal reply coupons in other countries and redeeming them at face value in the United States as a form of arbitrage.

Yeah, anyway. What is more likely is that kids will refer to Ponzi schemes as "Potsie schemes."

DM Vetoes High Strength, Super Hot Femme Warrior

The DM of an every Friday, D&D 3.5 game this week disallowed one player from playing an 18 STR female fighter, who the player described as "tone but not too muscled, sort of like a stripper's body." In comments overheard during the game, the DM stated that he did not have a problem with a high strength female character "if she looked like she could benchpress 400 lbs." but that he "isn't cool with 18 STR for a character that looks like a runway waif who happens to be holding a sword."

The player was not happy with this news since he said he wasn't interested in playing a warrior with a more likely 10 or 12 strength score since the mechanics of the game makes anyone with a primary ability of under 16 pretty much worthless.

The DM also had a problem with what he deemed an attempt on the player's part to min-max the character by giving her a 6 CHA. The DM stated that he did not buy the player's argument that "despite being like the hottest chick you can imagine, she has a low Charisma because she's really cold and not too talkative." As the DM put it, "shouldn't being like a 20 on uber-hotness and a little bitchy sort of balance at about a CHA 14?" But the player didn't want to put that many points in Charisma since the stat is all but useless to the Fighter class.

The DM also expressed some concern over the player wanting the full armor rating for a chain shirt that barely provided enough coverage for a PG-13 rating.

Citizens of Earth Narrowly Avoid Asteroid Apocalypse

I bet I'm not the only one that is royally pissed at our government for not bothering to tell we the people that millions of of us narrowly avoided death by asteroid this Monday. Thanks for the warning, guys! Sure, the asteroid only came within 5 earth diameters and we made it out alive, but can you at least give us a heads up when these things happen so I can stock up on canned goods and renew my antibiotic prescription for when there aren't any doctors alive?

And another thing, I'm not sure I support this project to track potentially harmful asteroids. This article says that this program has only produced a greater number of dangerous asteroids since it has gone on.

from CNN
You had a close encounter with a 40-yard-wide asteroid this week, but the astronomer who first spotted the large rock said it's nothing to worry about. An asteroid (inside circle) passed within 38,000 miles of Earth on Monday. Asteroid 2009 DD45 on Monday passed within 38,000 miles of Earth, less than twice the height of the geostationary satellites we depend on for communications, according to Robert McNaught of the Australian National University. McNaught, who watches for asteroids with his telescope 250 miles northwest of Sydney, Australia, discovered the approaching rock last week. "It's not something to worry about, but something to be aware of," he said. While a direct hit on Earth could be a devastating natural disaster, McNaught said keeping track of asteroids can make a hit "potentially preventable." "If discovered in advance and with enough lead time, there is the possibility of pushing it off course, if you have decades of advance warning," McNaught said. "If you have only a few days, you can evacuate the area of impact, but there's not a great deal [else] you can do." In either case, he said, a global catastrophe as depicted in Hollywood movies such as "Deep Impact" is "very, very unlikely." The 2009 DD45 asteroid circles the sun every 18 months, but its path will not threaten this planet at least for the next century, he said. The number of "potentially harmful asteroids" discovered each year has grown dramatically over the past decade as "systematic programs" to scan the skies have been put in place, McNaught said. Nearly 100 new ones have been found in each of the past several years, he said.

Local Phone Book Heralded as "Lawful Evil"

I stumbled upon an interesting letter online. This made me think of some wisdom that someone once told me about a crooked entrepreneur: I would put money on it that he has never done anything explicitly illegal in regard to his business practices. Lies by omission and lots of fine print are hallmarks of the lawful evil.