Visiting Hometown for Holidays Uncomfortable for City Slickers

Now that I'm living in a big city with a population over 100,000, I have to admit I find it a little uncomfortable going back to the town I grew up in to visit family over the holidays. While I am looking forward to having the chance to eat some of grandma Lu's famous green bean casserole and chatting a little while about the Colts' season with uncle Jeb, there are plenty of things I dread. I am certain that I will hear at least once that Barack Obama is a confirmed Muslim, or maybe that he is ineligible for President because he was born in Kenya. Nor am I looking forward to listening to the argument that the Indianapolis Colts are inherently a more moral team than the Chicago Bears because Indy is a more modest big city and not quite the same vast sea of concrete, Black people, and cultural relativism that Chicago is. And then there will be conservatives in the family who want to keep having the same discussion about things that have been decided years, even decades, ago like welfare programs, evolution, global warming and gender equality. Eh, happy holidays!

Political Correctness Once Again Overshadows Christmas Spirit

We go through this every year, so who is Pfft, Science! to ruin a good run? We are hearing reports of Jews and goddamn liberal pussies (as well as smaller minority groups) who don't celebrate Christmas getting offended about people telling them "Merry Christmas." Honestly, we at Pfft, Science! have not actually talked to anyone first hand who is offended by this common presumption. Though we believe certainly with 300 million people living in the country, there is someone somewhere. Not to be outdone in their mock outrage, some traditionalists have went on record stating that people who can't handle being told "Merry Christmas" should move to the Middle East, which is a change this holidays season. In previous years these politically correct individuals were told to move to Canada.

Leno Promises Fresh New 'Old Jokes' on Keith Richards' Birthday

Rock diety and Rolling Stone magazine's rated top 10 guitarist of all frickin' time turns 65 today! In response, late night juggernaut, Jay Leno, has promised a new wave of senior jokes targeted at Keith. The Keith material will be followed up by more Dennis Rodman and Bill Clinton sex jokes.

Bush Dodges Ranged Attack with Improvised Weapon in Surprise Round

Benicio del Toro a Marxist!

Cue one of the audience members from a McCain/Palin rally to shout "Kill him!"

I didn't want to believe it but I've seen the photo. 2008 has been a hard year on hope. It revealed to us that another one of our heroes - Barack Obama - had deceived us all into thinking he was a good patriotic Christian American. Then we learned from very credible internet sources that he was born in Kenya, had a lunatic preacher, grew up in an atheist household, and is a Muslim. Now one of our favorite and most talented actors is seen in public wearing the garb proving that he is a commie pinko!

We're talking about loans, you fucking retards

Just to clarify...we're not just GIVING $15 billion to the big 3 automakers. The bill that's being worked on in Washington is to provide short-term loans to the companies to get them through the next three months (and Ford is claiming they may not need it at all).

I don't particularly care how anybody feels about the bailout, you can be for or against. However, when discussing at least know what the fuck you're talking about. Seriously.

Obama Overlooks Rummy for Secretary of Defense

I see the other day that Obama chose to keep on Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense after he takes over the office of President in January. I have to ask did anyone see this coming? I thought for sure he'd go to the guy with most experience in the position, not to mention a guy with a theatrical biting wit: Rummy.

But he kept us safe...

Let's make one thing clear, as we're winding down the abomination that is the George W. Bush Presidency...he did not, in fact, keep us safe. I realize that his supporters and other wingnuts are trying to salvage something positive in his legacy and guilt trip us into saying he wasn't a bad president.

He was. George W. Bush was an awful, horrendous, epically bad president. He was never concerned with the finer points of governance. His complete lack of introspection and intellectual curiosity led us into the numerous messes we're in. His administration utterly failed to heed warning signs of an impending attack on US soil and then used that failure as an excuse to strip us of our civil rights, lead us into 2 wars and pour money into the pockets of their cronies in the business world.

The only proof the wingnuts have that Bush has "kept us safe" is that there hasn't been an attack on US soil since September 11, 2001. Apparently we're going to give him a mulligan for the 3000+ deaths that occurred on that day. Myself, I haven't ever been trampled by elephants, so this anti-elephant trampling device I bought from that greasy street vendor in Turkey must be quite effective, huh?

We're much less secure now (in many, many way) than we were 8 years ago. Our country has essentially been pillaged and driven into national debt over the failed neoconservative ideology. While we'll shortly have a leader that appears to have the intelligence, temperment and vision to lead us out of trouble he may be unable to enact real change because his hands will be too tied by the current deficit and economic problems.

But, hey...at least we're safe, right?