Somalian Pirates Disappoint World with Bland Garb

I don't know about you, but thez0rk and I were discussing our disappointment that with all the recent talk of pirates in the news that we have seen so little flamboyance from these pirate wannabes. Come on guys, ham it up a little for the sake of global entertainment. You guys are capturing oil tankers and cargo ships so you can earn more than $0.03 a day and land yourselves a woman who will marry you and a nice house on the coast. You can't tell me you can't scrounge up a little cash and hit coolcostumes.com to get an eye patch, pirate coat and plastic cutlass. Secondly, with all the mythology about pirate flags, thez0rk and I would like to see each captured ship flying the crossbones or at least the yellow and black colors of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Ted Stevens Loss Teaches New Wisdoms

The wisdom I speak of is that if you are convicted on felony corruption charges, it is hard to get reelected to your seat in the U.S. Senate.

Though, there is a glass half empty way of looking at this. Apparently, as long as you are a Republican, despite being convicted of being a crook, folks in Alaska will still only award a Democrat a win by less than one percentage point.

Faustian Deals, Tenacious D and Charlie Daniels

To anyone who has heard Tenacious D's "Tribute" to the Greatest Song in the World, and Charlie Daniels' "Devil Went Down to Georgia," you no doubt see the parallels between the two sung about incidents.

One thing that sucks big time for Jack and Kyle of Tenacious D in their encounter with the demon is that basically you have a couple of guys down on their luck, minding their own business, walking along a road. Then all of a sudden some sort of hell vortex opens and a demon appears and makes the request that the duo play him the greatest song in the world! Wow, is that all you want bro? The consequence for anything less than the greatest song in the world, if you believe their story, is that the demon will eat their souls. And you thought your band instructor was hard. Thankfully, Jack and Kyle are no lackies in the impromptu song department and managed to pull off the feat.

Contrast Jack and Kyle's encounter with Charlie Daniels' tale "Devil Went Down to Georgia." There the Devil is courteous enough to make the proposal - not a demand, mind you - that if Johnny is willing and can best him in a fiddle playing contest, Johnny will get a shiny fiddle made of gold. What's that go for on the market, 12 mil?

I'm going to go ahead and say that the demon needs to take a lesson in fairness from the Devil on this one. I'm not suggesting that the Devil making Faustian deals for mortals' souls is something that earns him a prize for decency. But at least Johnny was given the opportunity to control the destiny of his own soul. Deal or no deal? Johnny, being a significantly better fiddle player than me, and apparently more of a gambler, took the deal. But at least he made the choice. Personally, I would've been worried about who the judges were in such a contest. Music is a pretty subjective thing, after all. But I digress.

Leonard Pitts on Blacks Discriminating Against Gays

This is one of the great opinion articles going around the country right now regarding the bleak irony that this election year brought us our first Black President, and also gave us Black folks supporting a ban on gay marriage in California by a margin of two to one.

Legitimacy of Braille in Question

At the beginning of the year my office moved to a new building that was remodeled using the direction of a top notch, Chicago architecture firm. Just about anything somebody can think of that an office in my line of work needs was considered. I soon noticed that all the signage included the words in braille. After all, you never know when you will need to accommodate clients or employees with physical handicaps.

Some days ago I rubbed my finger over the dots, and I was completely unable to tell the difference between words. Men's Bathroom didn't feel any different than Guest Closet. I mean think about it. People can't tell the difference between peeled grapes and eyeballs, let alone a bunch of closely organized tiny bumps no bigger than the point of a pencil. And then I got to thinking... It came to me that braille is most likely a fabrication, a trick, to make people think it means something, but in all reality it's as meaningful as fortunes read from the back page of gossip magazines.

John Madden, Bob Davie and Dick Vitale To Cover 2008 Election

John Madden: Tonight I'd like to welcome our viewers to coverage of the 2008 Presidential election.

Dick Vitale: (spazzing) In this championship election, we're bringing you Barack Obama on the Democratic side and John McCain for the Republicans! This match up should live up to the hype!

Bob Davie: I'm going to have to say, John McCain is going to have to do everything right tonight if he wants to beat Barack Obama. We've seen the point spread, and it doesn't look good for the McCain campaign. When I was at Notre Dame I faced challenges like this, and let me tell you, there is no room for penalties or turn overs in a contest like this!

Vitale: I spoke with Obama on the campaign trail back in September. They were strong then with McCain not being able to shake the connections with George Bush. But I have to tell you, the status of the economy has made the Obama ticket even stronger on offense, defense, and even special teams.

Davie: So who are you picking?

Vitale: (spazzing) I gotta tell you, Obama's gonna sweep New England. He's tough in North Carolina. He'll pick up Florida by three percent. He'll demoralize the McCain campaign with an early victory in Virginia, which hasn't gone for a Democrat in a Presidential election since Lyndon Johnson. The only thing keeping hope for McCain early on will be that Obama will drop South Carolina and Georgia by 15 to 20 points.

Davie: John, Obama or McCain?

Madden: Obama is a great kid. Wonderful human being, let me tell you. He's the first "clean" African American candidate we've had. He grew up in tough circumstances. He could've made a lot of money but instead he chose to be a community organizer and public servant. Oh, sh-t, can I use the term servant for a black man? But anyway, he turned himself around, and look at him now, leading his party at the top of the Presidential ticket.

Davie: It is difficult to imagine the McCain campaign winning this game. But as we all know, on any given November Tuesday, anyone can win. But here's the thing that's going to be hard for McCain. Obama knows how to win. From a grass roots perspective, he gets his people in formation on the ground...

(Madden begins to draw his famous chalk formation over the country).

Vitale: Alright, baby, we're going to go to a commercial break. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back!