McCain VP Choice Sarah Palin Has Five Kids to Feed

The news was released just hours ago that John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, as his running mate. Our news team has scurried to learn as much as we can about who she is. Hopefully she's not the God-Gays-and-Guns sort of GOP relic that has inexplicably managed to dominate politics in this enlightened era of computer chips, digital television, and one-minute microwave dinners.

But I have to admit, what really stuck out to us at Pfft, Science! is that Palin has five kids (to feed), which evokes for the second time in recent days the memory of Benny, the cabby, from Total Recall. "Hey Quaid, remember me? I'm gonna drill you. I'm gonna grind you up!"

McCain Considering Nosferatu as VP

thez0rk informed me today that McCain is considering an ancient Romanian Count, now residing in NYC, as his VP pick. Though I've heard it on good account that he's looking at a woman Governor from Alaska. We'll see who is right soon...

Former National Guard Pilot Caught in Terrorism List Red Tape

I suppose that anytime you deal with government bureaucracy and 300 million people living in the country, you are statistically going to have goof ups. Normal citizens who are not terrorists will get erroneously put on the terrorist watch list. Hit enough golf balls and you'll hit a hole in one.

But what is really disturbing about the case of Erich Scherfen is that once a guy, who fought in the Gulf War for chrissakes, says, "Hey, you got the wrong guy," there is absolutely no rush for the government to clear his name. After all, it's only his livelihood as a commercial pilot that is endangered.

Want to make citizens paranoid of good ideas that you come up with to thwart real terrorism? Show us how badly things work in practice. Thanks, U.S. Government for making us safe!

Obama Closer to VP Decision

While many names have been thrown in the ring for who will be Obama's VP pick, Pfft, Science! has declared its own dark horse pick...

Cabby From Total Recall Wins Over Catholics, Then Earns Their Disgust

Okay, the movie Total Recall is old news (1990), but we've come across a fact that, to our knowledge, has NEVER been reported. Considering our dedication to making sure our readership knows all the facts about important issues, we at Pfft, Science! couldn't withhold this information.

We've learned that Catholics who saw the movie Total Recall initially really took to Benny, the cabby who aids Arnold (Doug Quaid) once the story moves to the planet Mars. It turns out that Benny's schtick line, "Man, I got five kids to feed," really appealed to Catholics, who are after all known for their devotion to their family, especially families with many MANY children.

However, toward the end of the film Benny betrays the good guys and rationalizes it, "I have four kids to feed." Quaid (Arnold) comments that he thought there were five. Benny admits he's been lying all along, "Man, I ain't got any kids." And in one fell swoop Benny manages to repluse Catholics by not only being a betrayer, but also by not heeding God's word to pump his wife full of as much child seed as he can muster.

Philosophy Professors Back Soundness of McCain Ad's Argument

I apologize up front for mentioning Britney and Paris. Not that I particularly hate them. I really try to just leave that sort of thing alone. I find obsession with celebrity invasive, cheap, and a declaration that I have nothing better to do with my time. However, the duo has entered the political arena, in a way, which is something I do talk about some on this site.

So most of us have heard about the McCain ad that declares Obama is bad because he is a "celebrity." While some of you out there may be scratching your head, thinking, Man, what the hell kind of pathetic ad is that, you would be wrong. The brightest thinkers and scholars of rhetoric around the country have backed the logic of the McCain ad:

"Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are celebrities. They are pretty much thought of as being worthless, do-nothings whose big achievements are pretending to be far dummer than they are, making shitty music, making segz tapes, and serving time in rehab or jail. Obama is a celebrity, too. Therefore, he is bad."

Church Poses Compelling Reason to Vote Against Obama

Whoa! Obama is pretty close to sounding like Osama. He's aligned with radical Islamic terrorists!? Damn, I'm glad I found out before I voted for him!

Parents Sue Rock Band for Teenage Road Accident

It has come to our attention that the parents of three unidentified teenagers involved in a fatal car accident have filed charges asking for $185 million against the popular video game, Rock Band. According to police reports, it is believed that the teen trio climbed out atop their car, where a mic, drum set and electric guitar had been mounted. It is believed the teens were attempting to recreate the opening scene from the video game, apparently unaware that the laws of physics differ somewhat in real life from the scene presented in the game. Unlike the intro scene, the teens lost control of their vehicle around a curve near the intersection of I-15 and 400 W where the car rolled into a wooded ditch and crashed into a tree. The local police have not released any information regarding which song the teenagers were performing at the time of impact.

Scientists Admit to Doctoring Results to Prove Evolution

It has long been held by thez0rk and I that scientists don't really know what skeletons of extinct animals looked like. Most times when fossils are found, that are supposedly millions of years old, they are scattered all over the place. Scientists usually don't even find all of the bones to make a complete skeleton. So how can someone determine what an animal that no one saw looked like? Sounds unlikely, doesn't it? Like trying to build a lego model as it was intended without ever seeing a picture of what it's supposed to be, and without the directions. This is where a little creativity and a political agenda pull the curtain and go to work. Scientists just put the bones together in a shape that tries to make it appear as though evolution has happened. Occasionally we hear about how scientists have found a skeleton of someone from a few million years back. Then we see articles about how they've pieced it together and it looks like a cross between an ape and a human and say, 'Look, here's proof of evolution.' Don't believe the lie!